Couple things...

-Dad, quit posting at 2:20AM and you might not get so frustrated. :)
-My parents are in Norway with my Aunt Pam. Uff da.
-Cousin Allie graduated from H.S. I feel old.
-Thanks to Pat for introducing to me to Adam Curry's podcast. I love it.
-MP3 players are just cool.
-I had to buy maternity pants.
-Mike has two weeks of school left. Yay!
-Today is Friday. I am happy. 3 more weeks and I have vacation.
-Today is Uncle Charlie's birthday. Happy Birthday!
-It is also my cousin Jenni's birthday and my cousin Ryan's birthday.

I have had a lot of time to think lately, as traffic has been particularly heavy. This time of year marks a date that I struggle with at times. June 10th was the day my step-sister Mary was killed in a car accident in 1991.

At the time, our parents weren't married, but we'd sure known each other long enough. I guess long enough to know that our parents would probably get married to each other eventually. We didn't always get along. Probably because we were so close in age and our maturity levels were different. She tended to act younger, I wanted to hang out with her older brother Matt. She still liked to play dolls at age 12, I was on to other things. But at 16, we had both gotten our licenses, it was almost summer, and we were starting to connect and looking forward to hanging out. I think a lot of it too was that our parents weren't forcing us to get together, but that we could do it on our own agenda.

Needless to say, losing someone at 16, who is the same age as you, was life altering and scary. It was unreal and threw me off course for a good 3 months. None of my friends knew what to say to me, they left me alone when I really needed them, and I was deathly afraid to sleep by myself that entire summer. Plus, my mother had to deal with her own grief, deal with me, and try her best to help Barry get through what was the most difficult time in his life.

I guess what struck me to write about this is a conversation I had with my uncle Charlie a few weeks ago. We were just chatting about stuff and started discussing dreams that people have about their loved ones that passed away. I had a number of good/bad ones about Mary for a year after she died. Charlie mentioned that he still remembered what he was doing and where he was when Pam called to tell him that Mary had died. It threw everyone.

When I drive down to Muscatine with Mike to visit his relatives, I have to drive that same stretch of road that Mary was killed on. They have now re-routed traffic and created a bypass around the city of New Hampton because there had been so many accidents attributed to that spot. And even though I know now that it's changed, I still subconsciously worry each time that Mike drives down there.

That day remains the hardest day of my life, with my grandmother's funeral ranking only second. My father splitting from my mother near Christmas is also on that list. But I can remember the details so vividly from that day it scares me. When I feel myself trying to recall June 10, 1991, I shut it down. The memories are too painful to even think about.

Overall, the reason I wrote this, was out of therapy. Yesterday I sat in my car on my way home from work and just cried for Mary. It's been 14 years, and a DAY does not go by that I don't think of her. And what got to me was how unfair, damn unfair, that she can't be here with me to celebrate turning 30. She's frozen at 16. I'm having this baby, and I wish she were here to have a family too and go through these milestones with me. We went to the cemetary to put in her urn on Memorial Day and I just couldn't stand it. I haven't felt this way for a long time, but the enormous burden of it all just came crashing down yesterday.

I miss her. And I guess I always will.