Last night I did something that I instantly regretted. And it's still bothering me today.

I screamed at my child.

Literally, screamed bloody murder at my child, who looked horrified when I did it.

And the minute I did it, I left the room to take that 10 second break we are told to do when we lose our cool with our children. I was crying myself and then I came back downstairs and gathered him in a hug and apologized profusely for what I had just done.

I am so angry with myself and angry that my hormones went crazy on me and that I lost my patience.

Thankfully that little boy opened his arms to me and buried himself in my neck and said he was sorry too and that he wouldn't do what he did again. I promised that I wouldn't either. And I'm going to try really, really hard to never do it again. I was horrified. And I'm horrified today still.

What happens in our brains sometimes? I felt like I was standing outside of myself when it happened. And the trigger? My own stupidity. The phone had rung at 6:10 pm. Mike looked at the caller id and said the name of my hair salon. Immediately I realized that I had FORGOTTEN that I was supposed to be there getting my hair cut at 6pm.

The receptionist wondered if I wanted to reschedule because even if I could get there in 5 minutes, my stylist wouldn't be able to fit me in due to another appointment at 6:30. As we tried to reschedule, it became apparent that I was going to have to wait a good 2 weeks to get in there. So-I just said never mind-and that I would call back another time to find an appointment.

I got off the phone and Cameron has been crying in the background the whole time. I think the reason was that he told Mike he wanted to bake something in the kitchen and Mike said, "Not tonight, buddy. I'm trying to make a quick dinner. We can do it tomorrow." That was not the thing to say and the kid just couldn't come to terms with it and was lying on the floor writhing around as if in pain.

As I get off the phone, I am so incredibly annoyed with myself for not remembering that hair appointment. I really, really wanted to get my hair cut. It's been a flat, icky mess for 7 weeks and I wanted it fixed. So, I stood there pissed off and said, "I can't believe I did that. I really wanted my haircut. I think I'm going to cry."

(Now-just so it's out there, I'm having some issues with my emotions at the moment. Hormones are wacky. And I'll fill you in on why and what's going on at a later date.)

So as I'm doing all this, the entire time Cameron is whining and crying in the background. And I JUST-FRICKING-SNAPPED. KAPLOW. EXPLOSION.

"STOP CRYING RIGHT NOW! STOP IT!"

Mike stared at me. And Cameron just screamed even louder. I was horrified.

I ran up the stairs with tears streaming down my cheeks. The phone rang again. Mike runs up and hands it to me. "Hi-it's the hair place again. Jessie says she can get you in at 6:30 next Tuesday."

Emotions going crazy again. Euphoria! "Thanks-that would be perfect. And please tell her again I'm so sorry that I missed this appointment."

I walked downstairs, hung up the phone, and turned to my son. He was done with his moment, but had tears on his cheeks just as I had.  After we apologized, we grabbed our blankey's and sat together on the couch, cuddling together. Again-apologies exchanged. Hugs, kisses.

I sat holding my almost 5 year old on my lap that night, rocking him as we read a book together. Then, he fell asleep in my lap, which is something he rarely does anymore. I sat with him like that for quite some time, just savoring the smell of his clean hair and realizing that the little body I used to be able to scootch up against my chest, is now sprawled across me growing into an amazing person.

I felt so happy and so horrible at that moment. I vowed to myself that I would work even harder at being patient with this little boy. And I can only hope he doesn't remember this random incident and that he knows how much his mommy loves him to pieces.