It’s been a long while since I’ve updated my blog, but I’m feeling the need to do some writing again. So, I’m going to attempt to get back in the game. I’m going to be honest-the things I’m writing are deeply personal. Personal in that I’m struggling with anxiety and taking some medications and my therapy has been writing lately. I wasn’t going to post these things, but I realized that I don’t care who reads it. I’m not a private person. I sometimes wish I were, but I’ve come to terms with the fact that I just put things out there. It is who I am.
And so, here it begins.
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As depression has slowly come out of the darkness and has become more recognized, I’m finding it a little easier to talk about my struggles with it. Although I was never made to feel ashamed of dealing with it, I always found it hard to bring up when people would ask me why I had been gone from work, or school. How do you say to them that you couldn’t face the day? You couldn’t get out of bed? That physically, I could not function?
If you haven’t been there, it’s a hard one to understand.
But, thankfully, we know more about depression and medications. People are talking about it and gaining more insight. I’ve found that my struggles to find the right medications are a universal problem. People at my current job are sympathetic, ask regularly how things are going, and give suggestions. It’s helpful and much appreciated, but there is still this tiny part of me that doesn’t like to talk about it.
Here’s my status: My son was born in 2006. I had been off my meds for 2 months when he was conceived and I did pretty well through the pregnancy. 5 days after he was born, post-partum reared and I went back on Wellbutrin. I did pretty well for a few months, and then bottomed out again after having some minor surgery and the death of my grandmother. By last fall, it was clear that Wellbutrin had stopped working. I had gone through so many meds at this point (Zoloft, Lexapro, Trazadone) that my family doctor suggested Effexor. Initially, things went a little better and then started backing off again in February. Finally, in April, my doctor switched me over to Wellbutrin AND Effexor.
Here’s the problem: I can’t get in to see pharmacologist until June. Unless it’s a medical emergency (i.e. suicide) there isn’t much they can do. No, I don’t feel like my situation is that bad. But, I’m finding it challenging to make it through the day. I’m having sleep issues, panic attacks, angry outbursts, and spending problems. I spoke with a friend at work who experienced the same issue with getting an appointment for daughter who was having some similar issues. They couldn't get her in for up to 4 months. Is there a shortage of psychiatrists out there?
And switching between meds and the side effects they cause is enough to make you want to throw in the towel. I’m shaking, my mind is racing, I’m forgetful. One minute I’m tired, the next minute I’m bouncing off the walls. My legs are shaking, I’m sick to my stomach, and then all the sudden I’m fine. What?!? And hopefully soon, those symptoms are gone.
In the meantime, how are people supposed to survive this? I know I’ll probably have to be on some kind of medication for most of my life because my doctors have said I really have more of a chemical imbalance then depression now. I’ve learned how to deal with my problems and have the right tools. Now, it’s just dealing with those chemical ups and downs.