Last night I did something that I instantly regretted. And it's still bothering me today.

I screamed at my child.

Literally, screamed bloody murder at my child, who looked horrified when I did it.

And the minute I did it, I left the room to take that 10 second break we are told to do when we lose our cool with our children. I was crying myself and then I came back downstairs and gathered him in a hug and apologized profusely for what I had just done.

I am so angry with myself and angry that my hormones went crazy on me and that I lost my patience.

Thankfully that little boy opened his arms to me and buried himself in my neck and said he was sorry too and that he wouldn't do what he did again. I promised that I wouldn't either. And I'm going to try really, really hard to never do it again. I was horrified. And I'm horrified today still.

What happens in our brains sometimes? I felt like I was standing outside of myself when it happened. And the trigger? My own stupidity. The phone had rung at 6:10 pm. Mike looked at the caller id and said the name of my hair salon. Immediately I realized that I had FORGOTTEN that I was supposed to be there getting my hair cut at 6pm.

The receptionist wondered if I wanted to reschedule because even if I could get there in 5 minutes, my stylist wouldn't be able to fit me in due to another appointment at 6:30. As we tried to reschedule, it became apparent that I was going to have to wait a good 2 weeks to get in there. So-I just said never mind-and that I would call back another time to find an appointment.

I got off the phone and Cameron has been crying in the background the whole time. I think the reason was that he told Mike he wanted to bake something in the kitchen and Mike said, "Not tonight, buddy. I'm trying to make a quick dinner. We can do it tomorrow." That was not the thing to say and the kid just couldn't come to terms with it and was lying on the floor writhing around as if in pain.

As I get off the phone, I am so incredibly annoyed with myself for not remembering that hair appointment. I really, really wanted to get my hair cut. It's been a flat, icky mess for 7 weeks and I wanted it fixed. So, I stood there pissed off and said, "I can't believe I did that. I really wanted my haircut. I think I'm going to cry."

(Now-just so it's out there, I'm having some issues with my emotions at the moment. Hormones are wacky. And I'll fill you in on why and what's going on at a later date.)

So as I'm doing all this, the entire time Cameron is whining and crying in the background. And I JUST-FRICKING-SNAPPED. KAPLOW. EXPLOSION.

"STOP CRYING RIGHT NOW! STOP IT!"

Mike stared at me. And Cameron just screamed even louder. I was horrified.

I ran up the stairs with tears streaming down my cheeks. The phone rang again. Mike runs up and hands it to me. "Hi-it's the hair place again. Jessie says she can get you in at 6:30 next Tuesday."

Emotions going crazy again. Euphoria! "Thanks-that would be perfect. And please tell her again I'm so sorry that I missed this appointment."

I walked downstairs, hung up the phone, and turned to my son. He was done with his moment, but had tears on his cheeks just as I had.  After we apologized, we grabbed our blankey's and sat together on the couch, cuddling together. Again-apologies exchanged. Hugs, kisses.

I sat holding my almost 5 year old on my lap that night, rocking him as we read a book together. Then, he fell asleep in my lap, which is something he rarely does anymore. I sat with him like that for quite some time, just savoring the smell of his clean hair and realizing that the little body I used to be able to scootch up against my chest, is now sprawled across me growing into an amazing person.

I felt so happy and so horrible at that moment. I vowed to myself that I would work even harder at being patient with this little boy. And I can only hope he doesn't remember this random incident and that he knows how much his mommy loves him to pieces.

I’ve often read that music and smells are two powerful things that can trigger memories. And I agree with that assessment. Like whenever I smell stargazer lilies, I’m always taken back to my step-brother’s wedding that I was a part of in 1992.

Music can trigger that same response. And for me, surprisingly, television theme songs can send me into memory overdrive.

I got to thinking about this the other day when my husband was flipping through the channels and there was the theme song to Hill Street Blues. I always think of my dad. It takes me back to the early 1980’s, before my parents divorce, on a rare night when my dad would be home and he’d be watching Hill Street Blues.

I realized that the shows Taxi, Cheers, MASH, and even Bob Newhart bring up some nice secure memories of my good old dad.

My dad was a busy guy when I was young. He worked as a newspaper writer, so his hours were not regular. Nights and weekends, he was a musician. Neither lifestyle promoted a lot of family time, so when he was home, I must have really savored it. The memories that come up are of being warm and safe at home, with those TV theme songs as a background soundtrack to that time in my life.

After my dad left, it was my mom, brother & me at home. My brother did a lot of videotaping of his favorite shows. When I hear that jazzy tune for L.A. Law or David Letterman’s theme song from when he was on NBC, it reminds me of my brother.

Those memories bring me back to a time of fun in my life. My uncle was living with us then too and we really had a blast all together. It was like having two brothers and  we goofed around and watched a lot of stuff as a family.

Remember Barney Miller? I never really watched that show because I was too little to understand it. But, my grandparents did and I can still hear that song…doom, da da doom…brings me back to my grandparent’s house immediately.

The Tonight Show song specifically reminds me of my Grandma Webb. She was a night owl and if you got to stay up with her, wow, you were in luck! Johnny Carson was like the forbidden fruit of television as a child-it was late and you were supposed to be in bed. But hearing that song I can close my eyes and see a darkened living room with just a table lamp on low. Grandpa would be in bed already. Grandma would sit in the comfortable recliner on the left, me in the recliner on the right, ready to laugh at Carson’s late night humor. That is a memory that I will always cherish.

It surprises me that the theme song that reminds me of my Grandpa Webb belongs to Three’s Company. It was such a goofy and ditsy show that I just can’t believe someone like my sensible and no-nonsense grandfather would have even liked it! But like it, he did and I remember being very excited to sit down and watch it with him. There weren’t many things he and I connected on, but this was one of them.

Benny Hill was a show that seemed very exotic and grown-up to me. It was British and had adult themes, but when I would stay over night at my uncle Tom and aunt Diane’s house, they would let me watch television by myself in their back bedroom. I have distinct memories of a pull-out couch and a blue and white lava lamp swirling away in the background. They would tell me good night and I would settle in to watch the antics of Benny Hill, who to a young kid of 8 or 10, seemed like a dirty old man who liked young woman with big boobs! Hearing that theme song puts me right back there.

Saturday Night Live was and is still a big favorite of mine. Hearing Don Pardo’s introductions is like a step back to Pam and Charlie’s house. I spent most Saturday nights at my aunt and uncle’s house while my parent’s went out. I would fall asleep on their couch watching SNL as we waited patiently for Martin Short’s Ed Grimly, Eddie Murphy’s Mr. Robinson’s Neighborhood, or Phil Hartman’s Ronald Reagan. I doubt I understood much of the political skits, but I feel like it helped fuel my interest in politics today. I adored those nights at Pam and Charlie’s and I always flash back to all of our goofy fun whenever Pardo’s voice comes on.

Does anyone remember Grizzly Adams? I loved that show about a guy wrongfully accused of murder that escapes to survive in the wilderness. The theme song “Maybe” is a reminder of my Grandpa Garness. I specifically remember watching the show with him at our house. My grandpa himself was an out in the country kind of guy. Maybe that’s why he liked the show. Whatever the reason whenever I hear “take me home, take me home” I get a little sad that my grandpa wasn’t around a lot longer then he was.

Television shows obviously played a larger role in my memories then I realized. But, what it really comes down to is it allowed me to become closer to members of my family. And really, that’s the message of all this-love and family.

Things are changing in my life once again. I need something to keep me going, so I hope you don't mind if I take to the blogging world again and write.

I haven't posted to this site since August 2007 when the 35W bridge collapsed in Minnesota. I'm not really sure why I stopped writing, I just sort of did. I was fairly busy dealing with a 1.5 year old and a job, so maybe that's why.

Like I said, I'm attempting to keep myself sane as I navigate my way through life and it's challenges. Writing is my way of doing that.

I have a lot of thoughts flowing through my mind, so there is no specific theme I intend to tackle. I'm sure that parenting and marriage will be common as those are the major forces in my life at the moment. But, I also am very passioniate about politics, books, dogs, and random entertainment tidbits.

I'm pretty honest and straight forward. I compare myself to Heather Armstrong over at my favorite blog Dooce. She shares a lot of things and I always am grateful that she does because I tend to do the same and I don't feel so bad about doing it knowing that she does it too!

If I offend you, I apologize in advance. Many of you already offend me, so maybe just know that you had it coming? Or, maybe don't read my blog if you don't like my writing and thoughts and know you aren't going to agree with me? You have a few options. Just sayin'.

Blogging, again, here I come.

I'm Speechless.

A bridge, just a few miles from where you live and work, collapses. How should you feel? I guess I’m feeling what everyone else is. Shock. Horror. Anger. Sadness.

This doesn’t happen in Minnesota. That’s been the cry. You hear about these things in another country or even another city, but not here. Suddenly, our city and state are international news and the world is mourning with us.

I don’t take that route and I can’t honestly say that I’ve ever been on that bridge more then once or twice. But, it could have been any one of us. My co-worker, who has his office right across from mine, missed the collapse by 10 minutes. When he arrived close to the scene, a highway worker was running into traffic frantically waving his hands to get people to stop from going any further. He takes this route EVERY SINGLE DAY.
Yet thankfully, he missed it.

Mike, Cameron and I were getting groceries when it happened. As I walked in the door with a screaming, hungry kid under my arm, my cell phone began to ring. Mike grabbed it and said, “It’s your mom.”

I’m thinking, ‘why is she calling my cell?’ as Cameron thrashed and screamed some more as I put him in his high chair. Mom says, “Where are you?”

Frustrated, I said, “I just walked in the door. Why?”

Her response: “The 35-W Bridge collapsed. I just wanted to make sure you guys were okay.”

I was shocked and repeated it to Mike. I hung up with Mom and immediately turned on KARE-11 where we saw awful pictures. Less then five minutes later, my brother called to check on us. They were at the Olmsted County Fair in Rochester and saw it on a TV at the fairgrounds. About 10 minutes after that, my cousin Amy called. Then, Mike’s uncle and Mike’s friend Andy. The next day I fielded 5-6 email queries checking that we were okay too. Wow.

We grieve for those who lost family and friends and for those still waiting to hear news. I can guarantee that I won’t forget this event as long as I live. And I’ll never be stuck in traffic on a bridge again without thinking of this accident. Just coming home last night and having to sit in traffic for a few minutes on the brand new Wakota Bridge was enough to make me sick to my stomach.

I guess my hope is that this accident will wake up government officials as to the transportation money that needs to be made available. In his first run for governor in 2002, Governor Pawlenty talked a lot about wanting to make Minnesota roads better. He was in favor of getting things taken care of. Yes, the amount of highway construction seems like it has increased under his administration, but apparently, it’s not the kind we need. I hope that he can unite with Congress here in Minnesota and agree on a plan. Our public safety is at stake.

Last, Mayor R.T. Rybak of Minneapolis has shown again what a good mayor he is. The word out there is that he has shown “Guiliani-esque” behavior, comparing him to Rudy during 9-11. And, I will say that although I am not a particular fan of Pawlenty, he is also doing a good job.

The outpouring of heroism and love for family and friends is the good part in all of this awful tragedy. Thank you to those who checked in with us. It’s always good to know that you are loved and thought of. And we’re glad to hear that all of our friends and family are okay.

Harry is here at last! (No spoilers, I promise.)

It’s over.
Harry’s tale has been told and I wasn’t disappointed.

It was hard not to head over to Barnes and Noble at 12:01 am to get the book on Friday night/ Saturday morning. But, I knew that I could just as well get it at Target later on Saturday morning with my other shopping. So, I held off. I began reading at about 1pm Saturday (after Cameron went down for his nap) and finished it last night (Sunday) at 11:30pm.

I’ll admit-I cried at parts through the book. There were some surprises, some disappointments, but the entire book was quite emotional. But the love of Harry by his fellow wizarding world was the most inspiring part of the book. Harry has never had a real family. J.K. Rowling gave him the entire wizarding world as his family by their passion and support of him. It really gave me a lump in my throat.

The book felt somewhat like Episode 3 of the Star Wars series. It came together. The previous questions were answered. There were times that I was saying to myself, “of course! Of course he would do that!” Or, “yes, of course, it couldn’t be that simple.” And, you find out that you don’t always know someone as well as you think you do.

J.K. Rowling has said for quite awhile that at least 2 characters die in this book. I was prepared for that. But, this entire book is really about death. We are scared of death because it leaves us alone. For Harry, it took away parents that he never got to know. It took away Sirius, the closet father-like person he had in his life. And death had taken Albus Dumbledore, the man that always had the answers for Harry.

We know Voldemort has created Horcruxes to try to prevent death, which is not natural. You can't prevent the inevitable. But, the story is about coming to terms with that natural next step in life. If you are not afraid of it, it helps you come to terms with it. You will realize that your loved ones will always be with you. They never truly go away because they are within you.

I was happy with the book. It got a little weighty with details in the middle and I often had a hard time keeping things straight. But the end was not at all like I expected and was very exciting and attention grabbing. I was happy with how it ended and I went to bed a little sad, but fulfilled, knowing that the Harry Potter tale had been completed.

If you’ve read it through, send me an email. I’m dying to discuss the details!

Smitty

This weekend I’m heading to Rochester for the Memorial Service and Tribute Concert of my high school choir teacher, Jerry Smith, who passed away in April from cancer. Smitty, as he was better known, was about the best teacher anyone could have asked for. I had him in 4th grade as a music teacher and then had him for three years of choir in high school. Smitty also directed the plays at Mayo for many years and my brother Pat worked with him in this capacity as Pat did the lighting. We each were very fond of him and he touched the lives many, many students.

If you’ve ever read Tuesdays With Morrie, well, that says it all. Smitty was Morrie. I think that’s why that booked resonated with me so much. Smitty exposed me to a world of music I wouldn’t have found. I love musicals because of him. Some days we’d walk in to the class room and find that the chairs had been turned toward the TV. He’d say, “I don’t feel like singing today. I feel like watching Singing In the Rain.” Or Fantasia, Sound of Music, Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, Oklahoma, the list goes on and on.

And the music he chose for our concerts opened doors to me too. We sang religious songs, folks songs, pop and rock, hymns, Christmas tunes, Disney tunes, it was awesome. I remember when we learned Canon in D…it was so beautiful. And a classmate had recently passed away in a car accident and Smitty suggested we dedicate it to him and it helped us all learn to get along with the first death many of my fellow students had ever dealt with.

When I lost my step-sister Mary in 10th grade, I was supposed to perform at graduation. It fell on the day of her funeral. Our final grade depended on 2 things-singing at Bacceluarate and at Graduation. I was worried. My mother wrote a note and I brought it in to him. Smitty wasn’t there, so I left it on his desk. He found me later and patted me on the back and said, “Don’t worry about it.” He was way more concerned about me and my family. He didn’t have to say much. But that pat on the back said volumes.

I remember running into him at the airport in Twin Cities on our way back from visiting Pat one summer. I had to pee like mad because I refused to go on the plane. I was racing from the gate…and there was Smitty. I had to stop and talk to him. And he was so excited to learn that Pat had moved out East and what was he doing, etc. So, I stood there and chatted because I just couldn’t NOT talk to Smitty!

I tried out for his “Southtown Singers” group my senior year. It was something I wanted REALLY bad, but I knew deep down I wasn’t quite good enough for. No, I didn’t make the group, but he told me he was glad I tried out. That made my day.

Singing for him at graduation one last time, we sang one of my favorites: The Irish Blessing. And when we finished, he winked at us and I knew that I would never forget this man. He just made you put so much emotion into what you were singing. In return, that singing made me feel good. To this day, singing makes me feel better.

The last time I saw him was in 1995. I went to the graduation of one of my friends at the Mayo Civic Center in Rochester. As I was leaving, I ran into Smitty on the front steps. He looked great and said he was going to be retiring. I had to tell him that I missed singing with him and that I’d never forget all that I learned from him. You could tell he had heard this many times, but yet seemed uncomfortable all the same hearing that praise. He thanked me and wished me well.

But the one thing that sticks out in my mind is the day he came back to school after being out for cancer treatment my senior year in 1993. He had found an excellent sub in the form of one of our classmates mother’s who was a voice teacher. She was nothing like Smitty-didn’t let us goof around-but she really knew her music. We’d been working hard for the Spring Concert and had a really nice repertoires of songs ready to go. But that day, we sang something that just made sense.

Smitty didn’t even say anything to us as he walked in. It was loud and crazy as it always was as we arrived in that big, airy room. People were standing around, talking, laughing, looking around. Smitty purposefully walked into the room and headed straight for the piano. He sat down and started banging out “River of Judea” an old, upbeat spiritual.

We knew it by heart from the previous Fall concert and jumped right in. When the song was over, he stood up and just beamed. And we stood on our chairs and clapped for 5 minutes. He said later, that was the best day of his life.

We get to celebrate Smitty’s life this weekend. And I know that I’ll never forget him.

“Patience is the ability to endure waiting, delay, or provocation without becoming annoyed or upset, or to persevere calmly when faced with difficulties.”

I do not have patience any longer.

There’s been a lot going on with me personally, as you can see from my previous blogs. I still haven’t found a doctor or any answers. My insurance is changing at work, so I’m playing the waiting game. It’s pretty frustrating.

I’m not being a good wife, mother, daughter, sister or friend these days. This is pretty much because I can’t focus on much and can’t remember to make time for the others. I freak out over small stuff.

I’m not a good employee these days either. I can’t process anything. I can’t remember what I was supposed to do. I am short tempered when stupid people ask me the same questions I’ve answered a thousand times.

“Can you just hang on?” How much longer? Until I do something terrible? I hang in check with my own sanity on a daily basis. This weekend, I wouldn’t have blamed Mike in the least for walking out the door with Cameron and saying, “I’m done.” I also wouldn’t have been surprised if his family had called him up after our visit and said, “Who the hell is that psycho and why did you marry her?”

About the only one that I can be around is my dog. What is it about your dog that love you unconditionally? Other then crawling under the deck yesterday, wrapping her leash around a cinder block, and barking furiously because she was stuck, I love this dog dearly. It’s not to say I don’t love my family, it’s just that my dog is the one that licks my tears and lays next to me on the bed when I feel that I am the most unlovable person in the world.

I wish I could just, ‘get over it’, whatever ‘it’ is. But, it’s not that easy. I wish it was. I wish that I could just snap my fingers and start being active and happy again. It will happen. I know I’ll get there. It’s just the wait that hurts.

That damn Cymbalta commercial on TV says it all.
“Depression hurts.”
and
“Depression affects you and the people around you-the people who mean the most.”

I’ve been doing some research on my own of anti-depressants to see if I can help come up with some answers. Of course, I’d rather not be on a medication. But, I’m not sure if I’m a suitable candidate for this. I’m trying to wean myself off of the Wellbutrin after taking myself off Effexor. Wellbutrin is really hard to get off from. I’ve learned that it’s a different type of drug then the others commonly known on the market. Most are the SSRI’s (Zoloft, Prozac, Paxil) which are Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors. I could explain what it is, but it would bore you. Wellbutrin is in a class of DRI and NRI drugs called Bupropion. They do things a bit differently with your brain then the SSRI. I seem to respond better to Wellbutrin then the others. So, I’m on the lam for another one that is similar.

Anyway, life sucks at the moment. I hope it’s better for others.

On the flip side, I have a little boy who makes my day better each time I look at him. He can make me laugh and smile and I try to keep that in mind when I’m hitting the low patch. I’m lucky that I have a great husband, child, parents, etc that are pushing me to keep trying to find help. I don’t know what I’d do without them all.

It’s funny what these times bring us with our emotions. I miss my dog Taffy terribly lately. She’s been gone 10 years! I miss my grandma’s a lot. They were a good source to go talk to when I was down. I guess they both made me stop and think always that things aren’t that bad. They had it much worse-I know that.

Congrats to cousin Jenni and family on the new baby girl, born yesterday!

Kaitlyn Grace, 9lbs.

YAY!

Blog=Writing=Therapy

It’s been a long while since I’ve updated my blog, but I’m feeling the need to do some writing again. So, I’m going to attempt to get back in the game. I’m going to be honest-the things I’m writing are deeply personal. Personal in that I’m struggling with anxiety and taking some medications and my therapy has been writing lately. I wasn’t going to post these things, but I realized that I don’t care who reads it. I’m not a private person. I sometimes wish I were, but I’ve come to terms with the fact that I just put things out there. It is who I am.

And so, here it begins.
_____________________________________________________________________

As depression has slowly come out of the darkness and has become more recognized, I’m finding it a little easier to talk about my struggles with it. Although I was never made to feel ashamed of dealing with it, I always found it hard to bring up when people would ask me why I had been gone from work, or school. How do you say to them that you couldn’t face the day? You couldn’t get out of bed? That physically, I could not function?

If you haven’t been there, it’s a hard one to understand.

But, thankfully, we know more about depression and medications. People are talking about it and gaining more insight. I’ve found that my struggles to find the right medications are a universal problem. People at my current job are sympathetic, ask regularly how things are going, and give suggestions. It’s helpful and much appreciated, but there is still this tiny part of me that doesn’t like to talk about it.

Here’s my status: My son was born in 2006. I had been off my meds for 2 months when he was conceived and I did pretty well through the pregnancy. 5 days after he was born, post-partum reared and I went back on Wellbutrin. I did pretty well for a few months, and then bottomed out again after having some minor surgery and the death of my grandmother. By last fall, it was clear that Wellbutrin had stopped working. I had gone through so many meds at this point (Zoloft, Lexapro, Trazadone) that my family doctor suggested Effexor. Initially, things went a little better and then started backing off again in February. Finally, in April, my doctor switched me over to Wellbutrin AND Effexor.

Here’s the problem: I can’t get in to see pharmacologist until June. Unless it’s a medical emergency (i.e. suicide) there isn’t much they can do. No, I don’t feel like my situation is that bad. But, I’m finding it challenging to make it through the day. I’m having sleep issues, panic attacks, angry outbursts, and spending problems. I spoke with a friend at work who experienced the same issue with getting an appointment for daughter who was having some similar issues. They couldn't get her in for up to 4 months. Is there a shortage of psychiatrists out there?

And switching between meds and the side effects they cause is enough to make you want to throw in the towel. I’m shaking, my mind is racing, I’m forgetful. One minute I’m tired, the next minute I’m bouncing off the walls. My legs are shaking, I’m sick to my stomach, and then all the sudden I’m fine. What?!? And hopefully soon, those symptoms are gone.

In the meantime, how are people supposed to survive this? I know I’ll probably have to be on some kind of medication for most of my life because my doctors have said I really have more of a chemical imbalance then depression now. I’ve learned how to deal with my problems and have the right tools. Now, it’s just dealing with those chemical ups and downs.

Happy Holidays!

I'm back to the grind at work after having 5 days off. It's remarkably quiet here and I am getting much done. I'm currently eating my lunch and enjoying the lack of disruption. :)

Cameron had a great first Christmas, not that he really knew what was up. He received many lovely Christmas presents. Thanks to one and all who gave him a gift.

My favorite gifts were:

Elvis '68 Comeback DVD

Oak End Table

iPod Speakers

Money

Cameron received a variety of toys. The cool clothes that he received were: Johnny Cash tshirt, Beatles tshirt, Knoebel's tshirt, FILA Track Suit, and a Gomer Ear Flap Hat. Awesome!

Mike received a butt load of tshirts and other shirts for work. His fave tshirt was from Pat and Lyn, a Wilkes-Barre-Scranton Penguins Farm Team tshirt. Score for him!

Here is a recap of the holiday in pictures..

The Garness Grandkids-Whittney, Tyler, Hannah, Jesse, Anthony, Grace & Cameron

Jesse & Cam play with Uncle Dave's steering wheel cover. It's more fun then toys!

Tyler's shirt: Come Back When You're Hot.

Cameron's new hat from Barry. :) It's for going up 'nort!

Mom and Madison on Christmas Morning. Madison took her chair, of course.

Is Dick Cheney really Mr. Potter's love child? Someone posted this online and I couldn't stop laughing.

I love It's A Wonderful Life. It's now my favorite Christmas movie.

Update...

I hadn't written since the Twins won and since they are out of it, I thought I better write.

It was disappointing-that's about all I can say.

Mike and I celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary on October 7. We've now been together for 10 years. Where does the time go? Thankfully, we were visiting Rochester so my parents graciously watched Cameron (with some help from Aunt Pam) and we went out to dinner and a movie. What movie? The most un-romantic and non-anniversary type movie you could ever imagine. Jackass 2. And we laughed ourselves silly and each had a stomach ache. Were we ever meant for each other more!?! Well done.

Cameron and I both have been struggling with colds for a few weeks, so I'm glad that we're both feeling better. He goes in for his 9 month check-up today with a new doctor and new clinic. He has grown so fast lately that I can't wait to see what his stats are. He even got up on Friday night by himself and walked holding onto his toy with wheels. Holy! Uncle Pat was on the phone with me at the time and was happy to be a part of the moment. :)

Mike spent the weekend at his annual Nome event with buddies at the cabin in Orr, MN. They had no heat and frozen their arses off in 20 degree weather. The 2nd night, a cousin of one of the guys gave them a cabin at the resort near there so they had a toilet and heat. Much better. But they still had fun.

Cameron and I stayed at home. I had been in Owatonna for 1 1/2 days at a retreat for work. It went well and we accomplished a lot, but, it's always nice to get home. It's a challenge to be away when you have a kid, but I did enjoy the fact that I got to sleep in a tiny bit and only had to get myself up and going in the morning. On my way back I had time to kill so I even stopped at the Medford Outlet mall and bought some stuff.

On Saturday, Sara and Jesse came to visit and we went to the pumpkin patch. The boys had more fun playing with dirt then pumpkins. We are not looking forward to the day when they are both mobile because I think they will be holy terrors together! Cameron watches Jesse now with this glint in his eye like, hey, I can't wait to walk and run with you!

Homecoming at River Falls this weekend. I have not been back since I graduated. Pretty sad. We are considering going to the football game at least since Mike has ties to that. Otherwise, lots to do at home. I can never get caught up it seems!

Could it be any sweeter?

Central Division Champs. But it doesn't happen until your last game of the season is over and you are waiting for your biggest opponent to lose. The fans are cheering like crazy and don't leave the dome after the game. Instead, they wait with you and cheer. To top it off, Joe Mauer wins the batting title, the first AL catcher to do so and the last Twin to even do it was Kirby, back in 1989. And top it off even more...we don't have to go to NY!

It just doesn't get any better then this when it comes to baseball. There's a feeling in the air that is reminiscent of the '87 team, but even more magical then that.

I'm going to get my homer hanky and t-shirt. Gotta be prepared for Game 1 (even though I'll be working.)

From my favorite "Daily Show" calendar....

September 21, 2006 C-SPAN Drinking Games

Asshole
While the collegial nature of Congress prevents members from coming right out and calling each other "asshole," senators and representatives constantly say as much in elaborate false displays of courtesy. When a congressman uses a phrase like "with due respect," "my distinguished collegue," or "what the junior senator from Montana fails to realize...," he is really saying "asshole." Drink.

I love this calendar.

I'm Back.

It's been far too long since I've updated my blog, so I figured it was high time I do so. I am in the process of creating my own web site in which case I can direct everyone there for updates. Hopefully I'll be better at that then this current blog. :)

It was a busy summer for me at work. The organization changed its name, so you can imagine the amount of work tied to that. Within all that, we decided to implement a remote access program called Citrix. Now, I have never considered myself that technical. Yes, it's part of my job as Office Manager to keep things rolling, but I've always maintained that I know about 1% of what there is to know about tech stuff.

Well, that's all changed. I have learned WAY more then I ever imagined. We launch Citrix and roll it out to the staff on Thursday. I am excited, but worried too. It has been a challenge to deal with doing 1 1/2 jobs this summer on top of trying to get home each evening at a decent time. I've complained a lot and been frustrated. But, it will be nice to have this underway, even though it will mean more work for awhile.

Cameron has changed a lot since June. He began July by starting to sit up on his own. He began August by getting a tooth and starting to creep. A week after that he learned to roll into a sitting position from the creeping position. A week after that he began to really CRAWL and then it's all just gone crazy since then. By September he started standing, then pulling himself up, then letting go, etc. He says Ma and Da, screechs, laughs, and shakes his head no a lot. He has cuts, bruises, scrapes, bumps. No fear whatsoever. It's been fun.

So, he's now 8 1/2 months old and has 4 teeth, with a 5th coming in. We think he has allergies, so we're working on figuring that out at the moment. Yesterday at daycare he dumped a whole bottle of syrup on the floor and crawled around in it. His daycare mom was in shock! What a mess and so was he! Pretty comical though.

Mike is liking his new job and has settled in to it. He hates the commute and it's too bad we can't carpool since we both work in Bloomington. But, the nice part is that we've gotten together to have lunch a few times. He is gearing up for Hockey season, which begins next week.

I would comment on that state of the world right now, but I'd probably get in trouble. Election time is going to be interesting, to say the least.

The Twins are in the playoffs!! It has been such a joy to watch this team as the summer has gone by. They've had their ups and downs, but it has been so impressive to see them come about as they have. It's a season that would have made Kirby very proud.

Mike & I went up to the north shore this past weekend to a wedding. It was our first night away together since Cameron was born. We had a great time with friends, nice hotel, great weather on Sunday as we drove back. Lake Superior and it's views are just awesome. I love it up there. Cameron and Grandma had lots of fun.

I'll let you all know when the web site is operational!

Happy Father's Day

We had a very quiet and nice Father's Day at the Lemke house. We went to church (our 1st service at our new church we found in Cottage Grove). We went to the Strawberry Fest (in our town) and had greasy fair food. Cameron was a hit in his fishing hat and sunglasses. Then we came home and watched Nascar and took naps. Nice!

Hope you all had a nice day too.

The Republican I Hate That Keeps Showing Up

Ann Coulter is a dirty whore. I don't usually engage in name calling, but this is the best thing I can come up with for her latest book: "Godless: The Church of Liberalism.'' In an article published today in the Star Tribune, it says:

The group of outspoken 9/11 widows who pushed for the commission to investigate the attacks are "self-obsessed'' and act "as if the terrorist attacks happened only to them,'' conservative author Ann Coulter charges in her new book.

In her book, Coulter said, "I've never seen people enjoying their husbands' deaths so much.''

Nice. I like the response of one of the widows though. "Having my husband burn alive in a building brought me no joy,'' Van Auken told the Daily News in Wednesday's editions in response to Coulter.

Give it up Ann and get a new career. No one cares what you think anyway.

Grandma Webb

After I wrote my last post, we left for Iowa the following day to go to Mike’s cousin’s high school graduation. We had gotten as far as Waterloo (about 2 more hours to go) when my dad called to let us know that my Grandma Ruth had passed away.

Although it was not really unexpected, it still doesn’t make it any easier.

I maintained my composure on the phone with my dad. This was important to me because after all, he had just lost his mom. I wanted to be there for him if I could. He sounded and said he was doing okay having realized the previous Sunday that the end was nearing. He assured me that Grandpa was doing okay.

But, however, when I hung up my cell phone, the sobs started.

I love my grandparents to death. I have always tried to respect and honor them because it is what they deserve. To lose them has been difficult. This one has been no different.

What’s hard to put into words is what this Grandma meant to me. In her eulogy that I wrote I tried to explain my feelings. But, I felt that I lacked so much in trying to convey what she did for me and how damn lucky I have been to have had her in my life. She contributed to my life and shaped it in so many ways. So many, that I guess I couldn’t begin to gather them all together. I did the best I could, and I hope made her proud.

I was so thankful that my brother and Lyn could make it home. Although not under the best circumstances, we had a fantastic time together going through old pictures and reliving all our great memories of Grandma. It’s also unfortunate that it takes someone dying to bring people together, but we enjoyed seeing cousins, friends, and family that in some cases it had been many years since we had seen them. As Pat said, “There are people here that I haven’t seen in 30 years. And I’m 39!”

Going back to St. Bridget’s Catholic Church in Bluffton, Iowa was also very special.

It was very appropriate that we celebrated Grandma’s life here. The Catholic Church had meant so much to her always and especially this one. Her parents had been married there on April 12, 1910. She was baptized there in May of 1920. She had her First Communion there. She married my grandfather at the parsonage November 14, 1939. And so we gathered to say goodbye on May 23, 2006 to a lady who meant the world to so many people.

Emotional....

To be honest, I am crying at the drop of a hat these days. Lately (and some of you out state besides MN and WI) the news is filled with the story of the conjoined twins that were separated last Friday. They are just a little over a month older then Cameron. When I see those little faces that are so similar to his, I feel like crying. They look at their parents like, 'why don't I feel good? What's wrong?'. He did that 2 weeks ago when he had his first cold. We were so concerned over that cold, that I can only imagine how scared the twins' parents must feel. They look good though, and they were able to hold each of them, so it sounds like they are on the right track. Isn't it funny how one begins to care about 2 little girls we don't know at all?

I had surgery 2 weeks ago for that ovarian cyst I've mentioned. All went well. I won't go into the details of what they found cuz it's gross, but it was a bit more then the doctor expected. Good to get it out. It was supposed to be outpatient, but I ended up having to stay overnight. I had no breathing complications, but because I have had problems (2 years ago) with a mild sleep apnea, the anesthesiologist was freaking out. We tried to explain that I have had no issues in 2 years, but they just wanted to be safe and their new policy is that anyone with sleep apnea must stay overnight.

It kind of threw things into havoc, trying to deal with a baby and Mike had a job interview. My dad was kind enough to drive up the next day and pick me up from the hospital and help me with Cameron. I didn't give myself any recovery, which was dumb. I kind of threw myself back into everything. I paid last week.

So, if you call me in the next few days you will find that I am way too emotional. :) Seriously.

We are heading to Iowa for graduation today. Madison is heading to the kennel for her first experience. I will worry-but I'm pretty sure she will have fun too. Let's just hope Cameron travels well, sleeps once we get there, and doesn't mind getting passed around by a whole new set of relatives. He's a darn good kid-we are lucky.

He's growing fast!!!

Another New Baby!

Congrats to cousin Michelle and her husband Dewey on the birth of their son: Cayden Andrew, born Tuesday evening.

Cameron now has TWO cousins close to his age to play with!

Sara, Michelle, and I are all close to the same age and grew up together. Sara was born in January of '74, Michelle in November, and me the following March. We were the Three Musketeers.

Now, how ironic is it that we all have our kids and they are all BOYS, at the same time? Jesse born in January of '05, Cameron in January of '06, and now Cayden in April.

The circle of life continues.