Last night I did something that I instantly regretted. And it's still bothering me today.

I screamed at my child.

Literally, screamed bloody murder at my child, who looked horrified when I did it.

And the minute I did it, I left the room to take that 10 second break we are told to do when we lose our cool with our children. I was crying myself and then I came back downstairs and gathered him in a hug and apologized profusely for what I had just done.

I am so angry with myself and angry that my hormones went crazy on me and that I lost my patience.

Thankfully that little boy opened his arms to me and buried himself in my neck and said he was sorry too and that he wouldn't do what he did again. I promised that I wouldn't either. And I'm going to try really, really hard to never do it again. I was horrified. And I'm horrified today still.

What happens in our brains sometimes? I felt like I was standing outside of myself when it happened. And the trigger? My own stupidity. The phone had rung at 6:10 pm. Mike looked at the caller id and said the name of my hair salon. Immediately I realized that I had FORGOTTEN that I was supposed to be there getting my hair cut at 6pm.

The receptionist wondered if I wanted to reschedule because even if I could get there in 5 minutes, my stylist wouldn't be able to fit me in due to another appointment at 6:30. As we tried to reschedule, it became apparent that I was going to have to wait a good 2 weeks to get in there. So-I just said never mind-and that I would call back another time to find an appointment.

I got off the phone and Cameron has been crying in the background the whole time. I think the reason was that he told Mike he wanted to bake something in the kitchen and Mike said, "Not tonight, buddy. I'm trying to make a quick dinner. We can do it tomorrow." That was not the thing to say and the kid just couldn't come to terms with it and was lying on the floor writhing around as if in pain.

As I get off the phone, I am so incredibly annoyed with myself for not remembering that hair appointment. I really, really wanted to get my hair cut. It's been a flat, icky mess for 7 weeks and I wanted it fixed. So, I stood there pissed off and said, "I can't believe I did that. I really wanted my haircut. I think I'm going to cry."

(Now-just so it's out there, I'm having some issues with my emotions at the moment. Hormones are wacky. And I'll fill you in on why and what's going on at a later date.)

So as I'm doing all this, the entire time Cameron is whining and crying in the background. And I JUST-FRICKING-SNAPPED. KAPLOW. EXPLOSION.

"STOP CRYING RIGHT NOW! STOP IT!"

Mike stared at me. And Cameron just screamed even louder. I was horrified.

I ran up the stairs with tears streaming down my cheeks. The phone rang again. Mike runs up and hands it to me. "Hi-it's the hair place again. Jessie says she can get you in at 6:30 next Tuesday."

Emotions going crazy again. Euphoria! "Thanks-that would be perfect. And please tell her again I'm so sorry that I missed this appointment."

I walked downstairs, hung up the phone, and turned to my son. He was done with his moment, but had tears on his cheeks just as I had.  After we apologized, we grabbed our blankey's and sat together on the couch, cuddling together. Again-apologies exchanged. Hugs, kisses.

I sat holding my almost 5 year old on my lap that night, rocking him as we read a book together. Then, he fell asleep in my lap, which is something he rarely does anymore. I sat with him like that for quite some time, just savoring the smell of his clean hair and realizing that the little body I used to be able to scootch up against my chest, is now sprawled across me growing into an amazing person.

I felt so happy and so horrible at that moment. I vowed to myself that I would work even harder at being patient with this little boy. And I can only hope he doesn't remember this random incident and that he knows how much his mommy loves him to pieces.

I’ve often read that music and smells are two powerful things that can trigger memories. And I agree with that assessment. Like whenever I smell stargazer lilies, I’m always taken back to my step-brother’s wedding that I was a part of in 1992.

Music can trigger that same response. And for me, surprisingly, television theme songs can send me into memory overdrive.

I got to thinking about this the other day when my husband was flipping through the channels and there was the theme song to Hill Street Blues. I always think of my dad. It takes me back to the early 1980’s, before my parents divorce, on a rare night when my dad would be home and he’d be watching Hill Street Blues.

I realized that the shows Taxi, Cheers, MASH, and even Bob Newhart bring up some nice secure memories of my good old dad.

My dad was a busy guy when I was young. He worked as a newspaper writer, so his hours were not regular. Nights and weekends, he was a musician. Neither lifestyle promoted a lot of family time, so when he was home, I must have really savored it. The memories that come up are of being warm and safe at home, with those TV theme songs as a background soundtrack to that time in my life.

After my dad left, it was my mom, brother & me at home. My brother did a lot of videotaping of his favorite shows. When I hear that jazzy tune for L.A. Law or David Letterman’s theme song from when he was on NBC, it reminds me of my brother.

Those memories bring me back to a time of fun in my life. My uncle was living with us then too and we really had a blast all together. It was like having two brothers and  we goofed around and watched a lot of stuff as a family.

Remember Barney Miller? I never really watched that show because I was too little to understand it. But, my grandparents did and I can still hear that song…doom, da da doom…brings me back to my grandparent’s house immediately.

The Tonight Show song specifically reminds me of my Grandma Webb. She was a night owl and if you got to stay up with her, wow, you were in luck! Johnny Carson was like the forbidden fruit of television as a child-it was late and you were supposed to be in bed. But hearing that song I can close my eyes and see a darkened living room with just a table lamp on low. Grandpa would be in bed already. Grandma would sit in the comfortable recliner on the left, me in the recliner on the right, ready to laugh at Carson’s late night humor. That is a memory that I will always cherish.

It surprises me that the theme song that reminds me of my Grandpa Webb belongs to Three’s Company. It was such a goofy and ditsy show that I just can’t believe someone like my sensible and no-nonsense grandfather would have even liked it! But like it, he did and I remember being very excited to sit down and watch it with him. There weren’t many things he and I connected on, but this was one of them.

Benny Hill was a show that seemed very exotic and grown-up to me. It was British and had adult themes, but when I would stay over night at my uncle Tom and aunt Diane’s house, they would let me watch television by myself in their back bedroom. I have distinct memories of a pull-out couch and a blue and white lava lamp swirling away in the background. They would tell me good night and I would settle in to watch the antics of Benny Hill, who to a young kid of 8 or 10, seemed like a dirty old man who liked young woman with big boobs! Hearing that theme song puts me right back there.

Saturday Night Live was and is still a big favorite of mine. Hearing Don Pardo’s introductions is like a step back to Pam and Charlie’s house. I spent most Saturday nights at my aunt and uncle’s house while my parent’s went out. I would fall asleep on their couch watching SNL as we waited patiently for Martin Short’s Ed Grimly, Eddie Murphy’s Mr. Robinson’s Neighborhood, or Phil Hartman’s Ronald Reagan. I doubt I understood much of the political skits, but I feel like it helped fuel my interest in politics today. I adored those nights at Pam and Charlie’s and I always flash back to all of our goofy fun whenever Pardo’s voice comes on.

Does anyone remember Grizzly Adams? I loved that show about a guy wrongfully accused of murder that escapes to survive in the wilderness. The theme song “Maybe” is a reminder of my Grandpa Garness. I specifically remember watching the show with him at our house. My grandpa himself was an out in the country kind of guy. Maybe that’s why he liked the show. Whatever the reason whenever I hear “take me home, take me home” I get a little sad that my grandpa wasn’t around a lot longer then he was.

Television shows obviously played a larger role in my memories then I realized. But, what it really comes down to is it allowed me to become closer to members of my family. And really, that’s the message of all this-love and family.

Things are changing in my life once again. I need something to keep me going, so I hope you don't mind if I take to the blogging world again and write.

I haven't posted to this site since August 2007 when the 35W bridge collapsed in Minnesota. I'm not really sure why I stopped writing, I just sort of did. I was fairly busy dealing with a 1.5 year old and a job, so maybe that's why.

Like I said, I'm attempting to keep myself sane as I navigate my way through life and it's challenges. Writing is my way of doing that.

I have a lot of thoughts flowing through my mind, so there is no specific theme I intend to tackle. I'm sure that parenting and marriage will be common as those are the major forces in my life at the moment. But, I also am very passioniate about politics, books, dogs, and random entertainment tidbits.

I'm pretty honest and straight forward. I compare myself to Heather Armstrong over at my favorite blog Dooce. She shares a lot of things and I always am grateful that she does because I tend to do the same and I don't feel so bad about doing it knowing that she does it too!

If I offend you, I apologize in advance. Many of you already offend me, so maybe just know that you had it coming? Or, maybe don't read my blog if you don't like my writing and thoughts and know you aren't going to agree with me? You have a few options. Just sayin'.

Blogging, again, here I come.

I'm Speechless.

A bridge, just a few miles from where you live and work, collapses. How should you feel? I guess I’m feeling what everyone else is. Shock. Horror. Anger. Sadness.

This doesn’t happen in Minnesota. That’s been the cry. You hear about these things in another country or even another city, but not here. Suddenly, our city and state are international news and the world is mourning with us.

I don’t take that route and I can’t honestly say that I’ve ever been on that bridge more then once or twice. But, it could have been any one of us. My co-worker, who has his office right across from mine, missed the collapse by 10 minutes. When he arrived close to the scene, a highway worker was running into traffic frantically waving his hands to get people to stop from going any further. He takes this route EVERY SINGLE DAY.
Yet thankfully, he missed it.

Mike, Cameron and I were getting groceries when it happened. As I walked in the door with a screaming, hungry kid under my arm, my cell phone began to ring. Mike grabbed it and said, “It’s your mom.”

I’m thinking, ‘why is she calling my cell?’ as Cameron thrashed and screamed some more as I put him in his high chair. Mom says, “Where are you?”

Frustrated, I said, “I just walked in the door. Why?”

Her response: “The 35-W Bridge collapsed. I just wanted to make sure you guys were okay.”

I was shocked and repeated it to Mike. I hung up with Mom and immediately turned on KARE-11 where we saw awful pictures. Less then five minutes later, my brother called to check on us. They were at the Olmsted County Fair in Rochester and saw it on a TV at the fairgrounds. About 10 minutes after that, my cousin Amy called. Then, Mike’s uncle and Mike’s friend Andy. The next day I fielded 5-6 email queries checking that we were okay too. Wow.

We grieve for those who lost family and friends and for those still waiting to hear news. I can guarantee that I won’t forget this event as long as I live. And I’ll never be stuck in traffic on a bridge again without thinking of this accident. Just coming home last night and having to sit in traffic for a few minutes on the brand new Wakota Bridge was enough to make me sick to my stomach.

I guess my hope is that this accident will wake up government officials as to the transportation money that needs to be made available. In his first run for governor in 2002, Governor Pawlenty talked a lot about wanting to make Minnesota roads better. He was in favor of getting things taken care of. Yes, the amount of highway construction seems like it has increased under his administration, but apparently, it’s not the kind we need. I hope that he can unite with Congress here in Minnesota and agree on a plan. Our public safety is at stake.

Last, Mayor R.T. Rybak of Minneapolis has shown again what a good mayor he is. The word out there is that he has shown “Guiliani-esque” behavior, comparing him to Rudy during 9-11. And, I will say that although I am not a particular fan of Pawlenty, he is also doing a good job.

The outpouring of heroism and love for family and friends is the good part in all of this awful tragedy. Thank you to those who checked in with us. It’s always good to know that you are loved and thought of. And we’re glad to hear that all of our friends and family are okay.

Harry is here at last! (No spoilers, I promise.)

It’s over.
Harry’s tale has been told and I wasn’t disappointed.

It was hard not to head over to Barnes and Noble at 12:01 am to get the book on Friday night/ Saturday morning. But, I knew that I could just as well get it at Target later on Saturday morning with my other shopping. So, I held off. I began reading at about 1pm Saturday (after Cameron went down for his nap) and finished it last night (Sunday) at 11:30pm.

I’ll admit-I cried at parts through the book. There were some surprises, some disappointments, but the entire book was quite emotional. But the love of Harry by his fellow wizarding world was the most inspiring part of the book. Harry has never had a real family. J.K. Rowling gave him the entire wizarding world as his family by their passion and support of him. It really gave me a lump in my throat.

The book felt somewhat like Episode 3 of the Star Wars series. It came together. The previous questions were answered. There were times that I was saying to myself, “of course! Of course he would do that!” Or, “yes, of course, it couldn’t be that simple.” And, you find out that you don’t always know someone as well as you think you do.

J.K. Rowling has said for quite awhile that at least 2 characters die in this book. I was prepared for that. But, this entire book is really about death. We are scared of death because it leaves us alone. For Harry, it took away parents that he never got to know. It took away Sirius, the closet father-like person he had in his life. And death had taken Albus Dumbledore, the man that always had the answers for Harry.

We know Voldemort has created Horcruxes to try to prevent death, which is not natural. You can't prevent the inevitable. But, the story is about coming to terms with that natural next step in life. If you are not afraid of it, it helps you come to terms with it. You will realize that your loved ones will always be with you. They never truly go away because they are within you.

I was happy with the book. It got a little weighty with details in the middle and I often had a hard time keeping things straight. But the end was not at all like I expected and was very exciting and attention grabbing. I was happy with how it ended and I went to bed a little sad, but fulfilled, knowing that the Harry Potter tale had been completed.

If you’ve read it through, send me an email. I’m dying to discuss the details!